My Heart Inventory

Today, I see lots of posts regarding Thanksgiving—families getting together, turkeys, food, the parade! Ahh, Thanksgiving is such a wonderful time of the year. Lito used to say that he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with loved ones in the US.  He loved to eat turkey and he would fantasize making his own turkey. My, those were such happy times.

I, on the other hand, with my grieving and pained heart, feel that Thanksgiving is such a useless and painful holiday. Pain has seemed to take over that part of me that feels thankful. And to top it off, I lost my phone, that phone that Lito gave me. I felt like in a trance most of the time lately, smiling and laughing and trying to act as if everything’s okay yet feels robotic somehow—you know that feel when you just like to get the days to pass by and everything is done in such a habitual routine that you wonder how it passed by so slow and fast at the same time.

However, a memory just crossed my mind right now. It was so long ago and so ordinary for Lito and I that somehow, it comes out unnoticed. When we were dating up to the time when we got married, we used to be each other’s soundboard—even up to the point that even when we have our difference of opinions, we still tell each other everything. Somehow, we felt that even after a long and rough day, saying it out loud.

Every day we would text each other what we are thankful for the day and for each other. Here are some of his TY texts:

Thank you Paree for letting me borrow your pillow even if you didn’t have one. Thank you for wearing that pink blouse that I love so much. Thank you for trying to cook. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the day, for spending it with me. Thank you for the cute smile. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the opportunity of loving you.

Paree, I am sorry for being a bad bf. Thank you for understanding when there are times I am so hard to understand. Thank you for being my best friend and my angel.

Thank you for trying to whistle and trying to sing that song. It was awful but you sang anyway! I love you so much, do you know that? I love you. 

Thank you for listening to my side of the story. I know that it may seem unreasonable for you but I do have a point. Thank you for apologizing. Thank you for accepting my apology. Thank you for the friendship and the love. Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the bogsh, the tikash2x, the parayg. I love you. 

Thank you for allowing me to travel alone. I miss you every day. I wish you're here. I love you.

Mywab, thank you for being a good mom to Levi. Even if he is not born yet, I am sure he is happy that he's with you. Thank you for eating healthy during the pregnancy. I know you're craving for Cheetos. Don't worry, if Levi is out and you're well, we can eat all the Cheetos you want. I love you Paree. Thank you for everything. 

Paree, thank you for taking the “kids” to the “bathroom”. Levi and Muriel are happy. Thank you for believing in my talents, for pushing me to be the best that I can be. I love you so much.

thank you for INSOtec!

For years, I receive texts like these. And he does, too.

thank you for my girls

So, today, with all our history as a basis, I’m going to do an inventory of my heart of things that I am thankful for. Although I may not say it often, I have realized that the tiniest things could ease my heart’s burden. Discovering these little things prepare my heart to be thankful for big ones along the way.

So here’s my inventory for now:

The Strength to Wake up and Get through Each Day—even if it’s painful, even if it’s not fun, even if it’s stressful. People may not know it but when you’re in grief, it takes a gazillion times heavier to get through each day. It is one of the hardest parts of grieving, to wake up and find no one beside you. The strength to go through that each day is something I should not credit to myself but to a higher intervention. Thank you to my angels and to my Lord Friend for that.

thanks for crazy bros and fam

The Love of Family- My family has grown closer ever since my losses. We have been close but right now, my very emotionally strong brothers are reaching out to me in ways that console my heart. My sister and I got closer, we used to fight like cats; I long to be in my mom’s embrace and taste my grandma’s cooking, I always listen to my dad’s words of wisdom. Their love is like a well of love and strength that when I seem to be in dire need of, I just get my refill—enough to last me through the day , enough for me to extend that to those who are in grief as well, like Lito’s family. 

Events— small or big, that bring moments of peace to my heart. Like going to the bookstore and just drown myself in books, having coffee with friends, sleepovers at friends’ houses, phone calls from people I didn’t expect to call me, attending church, watching the sunset/sunrise, driving, writing! Whatever touches my heart.

thanks for my pamangkins

Someone in need of my love and attention—these are the people who give me reason to live, that I have people to nurture yet, to share my experiences with, to plan for, to hug, to love. You know who you are. Thank you.

A job—Lito’s actually. Insotec has kept me busy, even if it’s not my line. It has opened new doors for me, it has allowed me to get to know people a bit better—some merely acquaintances before, now good friends.

My Writing—it consumes my time and keeps my mind busy.It helps me inspire people.

Pictures—Lito’s pictures, mostly. It makes him immortal through his works—the way he thinks, the way he feels is reflected in every shot. It keeps happy memories very much alive.

thanks for moments like this with bru and mona

People Reaching out—through emails, through texts, through calls, or just going to me at a random place and time and say that they have been touched with my story. I didn’t know that even in grief, I could be able to do that. 

Music/Stories/Books—or anything that soothes the soul. Sometimes, the lyrics and the plot hit me hard. It makes me feel that I was not the first one to feel this, it affirms the fact that someone survived long enough to do something good. It inspires me to do something more.

Lito’s Stuff—things we used to own together like our Jarvis, wedding ring, our stuffed toys, our bed, our furniture, the house we built.. They bring joy to my heart and opens my heart to a lot of memories. 

My council of best friends—Different people from different aspects of my life coming together for a sole purpose—to help me get through it all. Some have 1 best friend, I have 5. Lito made sure I am never in dire need of a friend during his demise.

thanks for my iSTORYA.NET fam

Prayers—are like personal conversations with our loved ones. They help in healing our bruised hearts. I always put Lito and Levi in charge of some things like, help me do this, help me do that. Sometimes, I feel crazy but I can still feel them on how they would respond had they been alive.

thank you for Cheap Rigs!

Time with our Loved Ones- I may be grieving of Levi and  Lito's loss but I once said in my eulogy that I am forever grateful to God for the time I have spent with them, for letting them be in my life while on earth, for letting me love them and for letting them love me during their time. My heart is not that cold not to appreciate those times. They pave way for great memories that would tide me by.  

thanks for extended family

Faith- especially for my parents who taught me that somehow, things will unravel at their own time, that we can be heroes in our own stories no matter how "victimized" we feel at the moment. It is always a matter of perspective, one step at a time. Things may be hard to understand but it doesn't mean we need to be angry with God or we question His will. There is always a reason for everything, cliche as that may sound, but there is. 

And finally

Time—time to mourn, time to grieve, time to grow, time to heal and time to give me back what I lost by having great memories and acquiring a higher sense of wisdom.

Thanks for providing me this Starbucks journal.
it was fun collecting the stickers. Many helped!

Thank you Lord Friend for keeping me sane, for keeping me alive, for keeping me strong. Thank you. And though my heart is grieving, it will not run out of things that will make me grateful.

So, you who's reading this: What are YOU thankful for? 

Appreciate the people surrounding you. Appreciate the little things. Because they may be little but those are the big things that will be your buoy in the toughest of storms.

Thanks Paree! I love you until eternity! Here's a smile for you, thanks for this new baby!The name is Chrissy!!

Song for the day in time for Thanskgiving:

My Son Just Turned 1

I can't believe it has only been a year.

I remember you were at our old rented house in Bayswater. You just finished your gym session and you were cooking camote (sweet potatoes). You were on a diet and of course, I was with you on your diet. I was upstairs. I felt like my whole body was made with rocks. My breathing was in short intervals, my hands were clammy. I asked my Mom and sister to come over because I was scared, I wasn't feeling well and Levi wasn't moving when I try to talk to him.

My mom and sister arrived and they tried to cheer me up. I remember you offering me camote and I got angry because you didn't understand the severity of the situation. Then you saw how pale I was and when I finally asked if I can be taken to the hospital, you were panicking. I remember you were trying to act calm but I know you and I can feel that you were scared, too. My vision got narrower, I was so silent on the way to the hospital and I was so sure I was about to die.

visited my son who just turned a year older today.
I love you and your dad so much. Have fun on your day!
I miss you both

In the emergency room, they took my BP and it escalated to 250/150. Within earshot, they told me that I was experiencing eclampsia and that I need to give birth. I got scared and I cried in the ER Room and I called out my Mom's name. Hospital staff told Lito, "Sir, mahal baya ang CS (Sir, CS operations are expensive). I remember you saying, "I don't care! Save my wife! Save my kid! I can pay!".

Everything was a blur after. I remember streaks of light. I remember looking for you in the operating room. I remember being so thirsty. The next thing I know, they told me I had given birth. I was so weak and all I wanted was to see my son but they wouldn't let me.

I saw you in my recovery room and you said, "Everything is fine. Our son is born. He is so handsome." I said, "Liwat nimo?" (Does he look like you?) And you said you weren't sure yet. You said everything will be fine. You said you love me so much. You said you can't bear to lose me. We had no idea that a year from that moment, I would be left alone here.

I first saw Levi and I knew right then and there that he looks like Lito despite the tubes. I saw his fingers, they were candle like just like his dad's. I got so addicted that I want to be with him every single day. He was so fragile and so small but he smiles through the tubes. Such a strong spirit for a little one. So like his dad's.

When Levi died, I just didn't deal with his passing, I also dealt with the everyday pangs of death and childbirth-- like having to pump breast milk but no one to give the milk to. Like having to fold his clothes and saying goodbye to our plans.

Lito and I were so brave to go through it all. He was calm, he always gave me jokes, and make me feel that everything's gonna be alright. Our challenges then were bearable. It wasn't easy. God, it was so hard. But he was there. He was there with me and I know deep in my heart that we can do it together.

If circumstances were better and the gods of fate were in my favor, I would have been celebrating my son's birthday with me today. Lito and I would have been so busy days ago planning for the perfect first birthday party, with matching father and son shirts. Levi would have been becoming more and more like the physical resemblance of his dad. 

But as fate would have had it, my little family is no longer with me. There will be no cakes to blow. I just imagine my son and his dad having a good time up there. I need to imagine, I need to believe that they are together. Else, I would go nuts. I need to celebrate life and not just dwell on the pains of losing.

I need to remember the times they were alive so that I will not blame God, I will not blame circumstances. I try to pray to God for strength that somehow, I may surpass this. All I ask is that when it's my turn, he'll let me be with my family. And we can celebrate birthdays, life and me surpassing all these pain. Someday. 

==

blue candles for my baby. Happy Birthday, son. :) 

This is a poem I saw on the internet. This is for you, baby. I miss you and happy Birthday.. Ayaw mo pagkiat sa imong daddy ha. Tell me in my dreams, son, how you spent your birthday with Lito. He was such an awesome Dad and I am happy that you are together now.

Please help those all around me, to see and understand

That even though my child’s in heaven

The memories of our time together, are always here to stay

You see today is special, after all it’s my child’s birthday

I hope my friends will understand and see how much I care

And better yet can lend an ear, and smile as I share.

I pray they never lose a child or ever know this pain.

I just want them to know, my child’s memories remain

Oh yes today is special, another birthday it should be…

And yes I wish my child was here, but it wasn’t meant to be

I hope the angels sing aloud; I hope my child can see

As we celebrate their life and all their memories…

Love for our child begins so early and never goes away

And I’m grateful for their time on earth, but sad they couldn’t stay

Of course it wasn’t long enough, but how wonderful it was

Their laugh, their smile, but most of all, the gifts they left behind

So I hope that those around, can see beyond my smile

And my Words that, "I'm okay."

And know that yes today is special,

And join along with me

As we celebrate – today – my child’s birthday

Happy Birthday in Heaven My Child…

==

My CS scar is so evident, me being keloidal.  It's ugly being it is not in the bikini line. It is evident. And yet I love it.

Nak, I tried to plan what to give you on your birthday. On what I can offer. I realized that there's no other gift I can offer except myself. And these scars. These scars are reminders that I was a mother, I was your mother and in a way, I still am. These also reminds me that I have survived and my gift to you on your birthday is that I will also try to surpass the pain. Help me nak ha. I need you and your Daddy's prayers. Guide me as I go through all the pain and survive. For you both, I will. 

==

Pree, I felt you yesterday. Thank you for the message. Thank you for that "talk". You know what I mean. 

I love you Pree. I miss you so much. By the way, what did you do for Levi's birthday? Did you surprise him? Visited you both today. I wished you were able to listen to what I said. Pree. Let me dream of how our son looks like now. I really wanna meet him. 

==

Cried to sleep last night. I miss you both. I love you both til eternity. Until we meet again. 

==

Song of the day. Angels Cry by Everlife. Thank you Rhoda for introducing this song to me. 

All the world is but a child screaming over all your words
No one hears your pain they're way to busy for concern (oh)
And the days become weeks and the months turn into years
You gotta know by now that only God sees all those tears (oh)
When you cry cause it hurts,it doesn't mean that you're not heard
Because aloud in heaven the Angels cry with you (oh)
When you shout about the way you feel 1000 lies that don't reveal
The true begging of the end you can make a line from here to Mars
of those with broken dreams and scars there will never be a fix outside a savior
When you cry cause it hurts, doesn't mean that you're not heard
Because aloud in heaven the Angels cry with you (yeah oh)
You can say they haven't known of hate or desire to retaliate
there must be someone, someone we can blame
but it's hard to put the anger down
And hear from god not a sound
and find a place to heal the unforgiving
When you break and you yell and there's no one left to tell
you have the tears of heaven and his grace will come to you (come to you)
When you cry cause it hurts dosn't mean that your not heard
Because aloud in heaven the Angels cry with you (oh)

Wallowing

I turned 31 last October 12.

It was the saddest birthday of my life.

Although I appreciate very much the effort of friends and family, the longing ache in my heart makes me wonder how I can celebrate life when I am still mourning over your passing…

31.

Most people my age are clamoring to get married, thinking they may have passed the marrying age. Some just got engaged, or just got pregnant. Some have just started their lives together with the ones they love. I have never imagined that at 31, I would be burying my husband.

Life is not fair. At least, for someone like me, it really isn't fair. It makes me question my humanity. It makes me question if I ever did something bad. It makes me senseless. It makes me indifferent. It makes me numb and so sensitive and bitter at times. 

Life is unfair. When people vow to love each other all the days of their lives, most couples spend years and years together. And when they die of a ripe old age, death is easier to accept.

Three  years Paree is just too  young in marriage life to have all the things we went through.

31 is too young for me to go through everything I went through.

True, people can’t wait for me to bounce back. Some may have moved on. After all, for them, a month of grieving is enough. But then again, who is Lito to them? Lito’s a friend, a supplier, an acquaintance, etc. But for us, for me whose life revolves around him, when everyone else has moved on, I don’t think I’ll get over the fact that you have been taken away from me.

I am living the life that anyone can cringe just imagining—“I can’t imagine living my life without you…”People say this not knowing how it actually feels without that person who makes life worth living, who was the source of your everyday inspiration. Basically, all the clichés come true as well--- I feel like I died when you died, Life is meaningless, Life is unfair.

==

Damn it, just when I thought I was a wee bit okay, someone would chat me through your business chat group: “Ma’am, nasan po ba si Sir Lito?” (Where is Sir Lito?)

And I crumble deep inside as I recount again what happened to you. And just when the wounds are trying to make an effort to scar down, it’s torn open again with a fresh batch of pain.

When will this stop?

==

Bought a dress! Yes. A dress. I’ll wear it on your 40^th.  I smiled with that thought. I hope that could suffice for now.

==

I miss you so much. I’ll tell the rest when I visit your grave.

==

If at times I look like I am forlorn with a faraway gaze in my eyes, I am not in a trance, okay? I am thinking about you. I am always thinking about you. I try not to but I just can’t.

==

Pree, give me the avenue, give me the chance and opportunity to unwind, think and be creative. I wanna start on my book. I might go out in a few days on my own and just write. Can I? Give me a sign that it’s okay… And while we are talking about favors, can you please hug me before I go to sleep? Can you hold my hand too? Can you let me feel that you’re there? I know you might think I am a scaredy-cat but with you, I’m not. I love you. Please show me you’re there.

==

Even if I live to be a hundred and two, I just don’t think that I’ll get over you (Colin Hay, see song of the day below). Love like ours comes once in a lifetime. Once. We were best friends, we were lovers, we were perfect for each other. How do you move on from something as great as that? How do you let go? I hope people won’t let me hurry up. I hope people won’t judge me if I wallow.. Hmmm.. but then again, you know me. Even if they do judge--- I won’t give a damn. God, I miss you so much. I miss just talking to you and you pretending to listen even when you want to play Diablo. I miss playing Diablo with you. I miss you.

==

Here’s my song for you today. I’ll try to watch the movie that goes along with it.

What has become of me?

Paree,

What has become of me?

Suddenly familiar public places seem to engulf me. Like when I went to Parklane Hotel (my last employer) last night, I feel like everyone and everything is in slow motion and all memories with you there came flooding back.

There was that corner where you, me and Ervin had that photo shoot for a certain product. We ate F.I.C. ice cream with biko just for the heck of it. You were saying you didn't want to add up to the calorie count as you were dieting but you went ahead and ate with us because it was weirdly good.

There was that old office of mine where you used to hang out and just patiently wait while I finish my work. It was also there that you gave me surprise flowers just because.

There was that function room where you had your workshop and you said, "Pree, did I do a good job?" And I said, "You are always good in what you do and I am  your number one fan. I am proud of you".

There was that restaurant where we had our tummies filled up to the point of gluttony. All the chefs and waiters know you by name. You would always give them a smile, a minute to chitchat, compliment the food. Chef Armand, the Executive Chef, also lost his wife prior you. I saw him and we just shared a few words but then we knew that no words are enough to make things better. He misses you, too. You and him had that special bond.

There was the Bridal Suite where we had our Valentines and we just filled the tub with so many bubbles. And we just played and played and laughed and talked.

I walked out of the event, Pree. I never did that in my life. But I just felt like I cannot breathe anymore with all the memories.

==
What has become of me?

I don't want to go out, I don't want to meet old friends or new ones for fear that when they ask me how I was, I don't even know how to answer. I don't know how I am. I am so confused and lost.

I don't want those sympathetic look and glares, those comforting pats on the back, those encouraging words, the biblical quotes, the cliche stuff like-- Life must go on; Be strong; One day at a time; Time heals. People should know that I am a Psychology graduate and I was a facilitator. I know how the drill goes. I know what it takes. But as I said, knowing is so much different than actually experiencing it.

I told a few friends of ours that I needed time alone. Alone to just cry and grieve and watch our old videos. Right now, I can't even dare watch our babies' videos. It pains me so much that I can't finish one video. I haven't had the chance to do things on my own since you died. Maybe one of these days, I'll just pack my bags and not tell anyone where I would go so I can just grieve.

But nah. You know me. I can't just do that. Or should I? I don't know yet. I really don't know.

What I'm trying to say is. Whatever anyone thinks I'm going through right now is far off from what I'm actually experiencing Pree. I may smile, I may laugh but my heart is hollow and empty. Like a tin can echoing after trying to put on some coins. Like a deep well with no water.

I don't need people to tell me what to do, Pree. I just need people to listen. And share your memories with me. And just let me be. I'll bounce back. But in my own time.. In my own pace. In my own space.

==
What has become of me?

SnR Shopping was such grip in the heart. Grocery shopping was your thing, you would say. You said, the grocery is not my area. It's yours. When I would do grocery, I would always call you-- Pree, what should I buy? Do we have this? Do you like this? Can I buy this? 
I was tempted to buy your cereals or call your phone in the hopes that you might answer. Instead, I went into a crowd-less corner and cried. I remember when Levi died, we cried here too when we saw that basketball ring we wanted to buy for him. Now I am crying alone. And it's crazy. People kept on looking at that girl who was sobbing at the corner. Oh, how I wish you're here.

==
What has become of me?

I remember we quarreled that one time because I hid your shirts with holes in them. You said they were your favorite shirts. I said, fine-- just don't go into the office wearing them! And you said, "Ana man jud na mga shirt sa mga pobre!" And I would just shut up, knowing that when I make a retort, the debate would be endless.

Anyway, went to the office today and Mona came over and poked through my shirt. Literally poked through it. And it happened. I went to the office with a shirt that has a big hole at its side. Darn. I am becoming you.

==
What has become of me?

I don't know. All I know Pree is that nothing is ever the same without you. Whether for better or for worse, I know I have changed. For I am not the same without you. A big part of me has died with you..

I know they say it's best to just let go and be happy that you are in a better place. But I can't. I just can't be happy right now. If you were in my place Pree, would you be moving on right now? I don't think so.

I would like to wallow in my grief for a while. Honor the pain, Mike would say. Maybe by going through that, I would discover what has become of me. And make the most out of the "me" that has remained after you have gone.

As I promised, I will make you proud of me. For now, I just need to grieve.
==

By the way, I just bought Mrs. Fields cookies at SnR. That made me smile. I dedicate that to you.

==

I love you until eternity. I miss you so much.

Your crazy wab

==

Song of the Day:

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

[Chorus:]
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Multiple Birthdays

Lito and I first got together on July 11, 1997. We got married twelve years after that. That was our "grand" second wedding, the ideal one held at a hotel. It was a disaster but we did it anyway, and we still loved each other so much.

Then we had that official small wedding on April 25, 2009. It was held at a small church here attended by family and close friends.

We got back together after years of separation on November 19, 2004.

Our first kiss was on September 17, 2004.

My birthday is on the 12th of OCtober, Lito's on the 1st of December. But this doesn't count as it has another celebration.

Count to what?

Because every month on the 11th, 17th, 19th and 25th, I greet Lito, "Happy Birthday!!!" This is to remind him that these dates are so close to my heart that it is worthy of monthly greetings.

Every time I would greet him Happy Birthday, he would frown and say, "CRAZY!!!! What date is it now???" And I would make sure I greet at 12mn. hahaa.. And he would complain, "We have too many birthdays, Paree! This is crazy! You are the realest!!!"

And I would just laugh and say, "Yeyyy! I greeted first!".. After a few protests, he would hug me and kiss me and say, "Happy Birthday, Paree. Crazy, Realest my wab.... I love you".

Today is the 25th. It is the 42nd month from the time we got married in that small church, where we cried our hearts out and declared to God that we will vow to love each other til the day we die. Wherever you are, I love you 'til my last breath my wab. Happy Birthday. Paree. Crazy. Realest my wab. I love you.

A smile for you today, this rainy afternoon: :)

Thirty

Hi Crazy Paree, 

You have always said that times go by so fast. How come I feel like everything is in slow motion and fast at the same time? 

It has been a month since you left. A month. Thirty days. or Thirty One. This is longer than the last time you left me here in Cebu when you went to the US and Canada all by yourself. It was lonely but at least I knew you were coming back. That's what hurts most, you know. The idea of you never coming back-- to never feel you in my arms again, to never hear you laugh or look at me or tease me or cuddle or hear your voice. It's what kills me every day. And I feel crazy that a gentle wind feels like you touching me or a faraway laughter sounds like yours. How long will this last? They say it's a process. I know it's a process. I didn't know it would be this excruciatingly painful. 

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Pree, you are always on my mind, you are in every little thing I do-- like when I open that broken door in our comfort room, I would remember how it got broken. When I touch your shampoo, I would think that you were the last one who got hold of this.. When I browse through your phone, I laugh and cry at  each message that you sent. When I'm busy, I marvel at the thought that you did all of these by yourself. When I eat breakfast alone, I would imagine you buzzing me in work and chat, "Paree, bweakfash?" When I hear one of our songs, it grips my heart. So many times, so many memories. Sometimes a certain thought crosses my mind--like I pray God would take me as well so I could be where you are. No, I'm not suicidal Paree and I am sure you are crossing your arms again in protest to what I said. I just miss you and I cannot think of anything else for us to be together. 

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Yesterday, I had 38.7 fever (highest), body malaise, cough and colds. I took the thermometer and when I turned it on, your latest body temp reflected yours when you were sick at 41.8. It broke my heart into pieces. I remember how I sponged bath you til I had no sleep, hopelessly hoping it could save you. I remember IV Paracetamols that are given yet there was no improvement. Oh God, I miss you. 
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I miss you so much. I remember how you used to cook me breakfast then bring it to the room, set your phone to alarm intervals in consonance to when I am due to drink my medicines, the way you are ready with your BP apparatus and the way you are constantly on the prowl with my diet. I miss you having to massage me and checking my temperature, never leaving my side until I am okay. Paree.. I miss you so much.... 

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In my dysmenorrhea state, I would always complain of back pains and menstrual cramps. I remember me on the bed moaning with pain and  you would say with sarcasm, "Oh, so you're the one who's sick now??" And you would take care of me anyway.. :) 

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Mona is constantly asking me to drink water and to hydrate. Elmer texts me every time I'm due to drink my medicines. My mommy has been asking me to take my medicines and to eat fruits. Norman has constantly asked what I want, Somehow, you have sent these people to take care of me in your absence. Thank you. 

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Visited you today. It's raining again. i hope you were able to listen to what I said. Help me, pree.. I love you. 

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FB Status for the day: 
Today has been a month since you left. The world just isn't the same. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of you. Every morning, I wake up with that feeling of dread inside me that I cannot see you again, or feel you, or listen to you, or cuddle with you. Nothing is the same Pree, nothing will ever be.. I try to avoid dealing with any of the feelings I have and I know that's wrong, but I need to in order to help others deal with the loss. I can't risk losing my grip. I try to find things within me that bring you back to me, things I believe in because you taught me to. Or doing something and realizing Im doing it exactly the way you did..that makes me feel like you are here. The one thing I am grateful for, besides the fact that I got you for husband and a best friend..is that I was with you when you left this world and we loved each other til the end.. I love you Paree, FOREVER till the day I stop breathing, the love never ends... until eternity.

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Song for the day and a smile from me: :) 

I wish you well...

As I have no words, I'll express my feelings through a song by Katie Herz. This was introduced to me by my best friend, Belle. The first time I heard it, I felt like my heart was crumpled.  This fits what I feel right now.... I wish you well, my wab. I miss you and I love you and I'll find my way. :)

 

I, I want to wish you well
I didn't watch you go
Cause I suppose I don't know how
I, I will remember you
Not the way you left but how you lived
And what you knew

I, I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your fire burning
Right from where I stand

I'll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to know it's you
When I hear your voice inside my head
Inside my room
I, want to touch the sky
I want to see the stars twinkle
Like they were your eyes

I'll find my way
You showed me
I'll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to smell your scent
I want to breathe the air I did before
Before you left

I, I want to wish you well
The only reason my heart beats
Is cause you showed it how

I'll find my way
You show me
I'll find my way
You show me
I'll find my way
Cause you showed me how
You show me how
You showed me how

Stuck-up

Dear Crazy Paree,

My mind is bogging me. Although you are in my mind 24/7, my vivid thoughts of you are those of your last few days in the hospital, when you were in Intensive Care, when you were telling me that you want to go back to your room in 10B, where the nurses are familiar and friendlier. These thoughts are haunting me, it's like a record player stuck in that certain snippet. These thoughts make me feel like I could have done something more at that time but wasn't able to.

Here are the stuck-up memories:

Situation: Water. You were instructed not to eat anything or drink anything because your respiratory rate has gone so fast, your intake might go directly to your lungs. Your mouth was so dry and you were begging me to have a sip of water.

 You: Pree, please give me water. Please, I beg you.
Me: No pree, I can't give you water. It would be harmful for you.
You: NO! These doctors and nurses are trying to kill me. Please. Just give me water and don't tell them.

Me: No, they are not. They are trying to help you. We are trying to help you.

You: Pree, I am so tired. I have been putting so much effort and yet you can't give me a sip of water? You are so unfair.

Me: Pree, this is so hard for me. I want to give you all the things you need but I can't just give them to you because it might harm you. Are you mad at me?

You: Silent.

Me: I love you. Please don't be mad. Please..

You: I love you. I'm disappointed. But I still need water.

===

Situation 2: THE RESPIRATOR MADNESS. You did not want the respirator to be placed on your face because you feel suffocated. Note that at this time your respiratory rate has gone to 80per minute. You were catching your breath while still trying to sleep. All doctors, nurses and I are trying to convince you to put on the mask to avoid respiratory arrest.

You: I don't want the mask. I don't care what you are saying.

Me: Pree, I have been explaining that if you don't put on the mask, they will intubate you because sooner or later your lungs will collapse if you won't listen to me!

You: No, they won't.

Me: Yey, they will!

You: Okay I will put on the mask for 3minutes only-- practice. Then they take it off then let me rest and put on another 3minutes.

Me: Okay that sounds fair enough (but doctors did not agree with me)

You: Okay put it on. (After putting it on..you motioned for your phone)

Me: You want me to take a picture? (You nodded and asked for the phone then texted something.

I read what you texted and it said -- "BANE". You were Bane and you were so brave! The picture that I took is this one.

My Bane. the last pic i took of you

After a minute, you were suffocating and begged for the mask to be taken away from you. You said you felt like you were drowning and that you were about to die. We fought so hard that I even placed Tatay Ramon and Papa and Mama on the phone just to convince you. You were tired when you motioned one of the nurses and said:

You: That's my wife. But she's also my best friend. She is the love of my life since high school. If you feel that we are fighting, yes we are. But best friends fight, you know. And they always find a way to be all right. Right, pree?

I blinked my tears and nodded. And he motioned your lips for a kiss. With my mask on, I kissed your dry lips.

====

Situation 3:  Fart.

Me: Pree, I feel like farting. hahaha..

You: Go ahead, fart.. I miss farting, you know.

Me: And I miss you farting.

====

Situation 4: Siomai. The dietary team just sent in food and since you are not allowed to have food, I hid it somewhere that can't be seen right away, together with my uneaten siomai from breakfast. But you were able to see it.

You (eyes bulging like a little kid): Whoah, food!!!

Me: No, it's not food pree.

You: Yes, it is Paree. I won't eat it. Just let me see it.

Me: Oh-kay.

After opening:

You: Whoah!!! SIOMAI!!!! Is that Ibo Mena's Siomai? ( Ibo Mena is Lito's Aunt who makes Lito's favorite siomai). Please give me one. Please please.

Me: No it's not Ibo Mena's siomai and it sucks. It does not taste good.

You: I miss Ibo Mena's siomai. I miss eating.

===

Situation 5. Restraints. You were not in this situation. The docs and I are talking outside. There was no other way because you refused the respirator after hours and hours of convincing you. They told me that it might be detrimental if they can't put it in you and the last resort was to tie you up so you can be restrained.

Docs: There's no other way. Unless you want to see him intubated.

Me: So, you are going to strap him so he can't move?

Docs: yes. there's no other way.

I closed my eyes and imagined my active Lito not being able to move, being forced to be in the bed. But I can't imagine him suffering more. It was one of the hardest and most painful decisions in my life and I am not proud of it, Pree.

Me: Okay. Restrain him. But I can't watch. I just can't.

Doc: you just decided the right thing.

Me: I don't know anymore what's right or wrong, Doc.

====

Pree, I am writing this with a heavy heart and I want to cry. The last few days in the hospital were so hard for me and I had to do everything else. You did not want me to be out of your sight and yet I have to attend to the blood donors, and the other errands.

I know that you don't want me to blame myself or to feel sorry. But I hated myself for not being able to do everything.. Had I known that you would have died anyway, I could have given you that bottle of water, or that siomai, or I never would have restrained you or left you alone.

I hated myself for being so positive all along that when all my hopes of us having more years together crumbled, I feel like I have fooled myself, I have fooled you. But looking back, I was also happy that during your battle, we stayed positive, we were hopeful, and we were together.

Pree, please help me let go of these nagging thoughts. But first, I would like to say I am sorry, so sorry for not doing all those things. I am not perfect but I really tried. I know you are sighing right now and saying that I couldn't have done anything anyway. Things happen for a reason.

But sometimes, when you are in grief, you tend to bargain. You tend to ask and doubt yourself. You tend to ask God why. I also hate it that people will tell me what to feel, how to feel or what to think. Moreover, I hate it when people demand me to move on. I am not ready. I am stuck up. I can't stop it and I am not perfect. I just pray that somehow I'll get over this. I pray that somehow I can feel that you are not disappointed with me. 

'Til here coz my heart is so heavy I cannot write anymore. I love you and I miss you. ALways. Til eternity. 

Here's a sad smile but a smile nonetheless for the day. :) 

2AM Madness: Too Cliche

Dear Crazy Paree,

Being a Psyc grad, I know the stages of grief-- starting with denial and ending with acceptance. However, knowing is different from being actually in it. In less than a year, I have lost two of the most important people in my life-- our son, Levi who died 18 days after he was born and eventually, you, some days ago. September 24, 2012.

Our forefathers in Psyc may not have foreseen this-- Simultaneous losses. If they have, I have not read it yet. It's that feeling that just when you thought you are about to accept a big loss, another big loss comes in. These are the worst kinds. And I have to admit Pree and I know that you know this-- I hate that my grief is being compared to that of petty separations such as breakups and rejections. Seriously, people? Their pain is nothing compared to mine. I dare that they try trading one hour with my life and they will realize that hollow pit that cannot be filled will make you want to go to the grave as well. 

It's so funny pree.. Others have compared me to Job in the bible. Well, I am no biblical character and I am damn sure I am no saint. But whatever that Job guy did, his faith must have moved mountains -- literally. I wonder if my name will be in the Bible soon with all the things I have been through-- St. Ara. Yeech. Stop guffawing, Pree. I know, I know. It does not coincide with any biblical story. But I would like to believe that somehow you are creating a place for us there. Whatever it is. 

====

Okay so it has been a couple of days that I wake up at 2am and smell candles. You are so cliche. Really, Pree? Candles? I'd rather you visit me in my dreams Pree rather than weirding me out in your 2am smelling alarms. It freaks me out at the thought of you watching me sleep. You know that. So, just visit me in my dreams, alright? 

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Mona said I slept like a boar last night-- snores and all. We just cleaned the room ala Cinderella-- on all fours and rugs. You will be pleased with the outcome of our room. It now faces the protractor-shaped window that you tease me that there are monsters lurking. I wasn't scared. Who are we kidding? Yeah, I was scared. So I just covered myself in blankets (Mona's comforter, thank you!). And well yeah, you let me sleep. Salamat. I needed that. 

Alrighty. til then my wab. I will do this often. You know writing is my stress reliever. And you are the first one who reads my stuff. I am trying to write a book but it seems I can't as of this moment. I will try to go to "our place" and other favorite places, relax and start writing. I promise. I love you so much. Be with me. But not at 2AM pree ha. mwah. 

I miss you. Here's a smile for you today, as promised. 

That was taken while I was driving. I kid, i kid! That was taken prior to going out of the car after parking :D 

PS. Hugs and kisses to Levi

Your equally crazy wab, 

Arlyn