My Heart Inventory

Today, I see lots of posts regarding Thanksgiving—families getting together, turkeys, food, the parade! Ahh, Thanksgiving is such a wonderful time of the year. Lito used to say that he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with loved ones in the US.  He loved to eat turkey and he would fantasize making his own turkey. My, those were such happy times.

I, on the other hand, with my grieving and pained heart, feel that Thanksgiving is such a useless and painful holiday. Pain has seemed to take over that part of me that feels thankful. And to top it off, I lost my phone, that phone that Lito gave me. I felt like in a trance most of the time lately, smiling and laughing and trying to act as if everything’s okay yet feels robotic somehow—you know that feel when you just like to get the days to pass by and everything is done in such a habitual routine that you wonder how it passed by so slow and fast at the same time.

However, a memory just crossed my mind right now. It was so long ago and so ordinary for Lito and I that somehow, it comes out unnoticed. When we were dating up to the time when we got married, we used to be each other’s soundboard—even up to the point that even when we have our difference of opinions, we still tell each other everything. Somehow, we felt that even after a long and rough day, saying it out loud.

Every day we would text each other what we are thankful for the day and for each other. Here are some of his TY texts:

Thank you Paree for letting me borrow your pillow even if you didn’t have one. Thank you for wearing that pink blouse that I love so much. Thank you for trying to cook. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the day, for spending it with me. Thank you for the cute smile. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the opportunity of loving you.

Paree, I am sorry for being a bad bf. Thank you for understanding when there are times I am so hard to understand. Thank you for being my best friend and my angel.

Thank you for trying to whistle and trying to sing that song. It was awful but you sang anyway! I love you so much, do you know that? I love you. 

Thank you for listening to my side of the story. I know that it may seem unreasonable for you but I do have a point. Thank you for apologizing. Thank you for accepting my apology. Thank you for the friendship and the love. Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the bogsh, the tikash2x, the parayg. I love you. 

Thank you for allowing me to travel alone. I miss you every day. I wish you're here. I love you.

Mywab, thank you for being a good mom to Levi. Even if he is not born yet, I am sure he is happy that he's with you. Thank you for eating healthy during the pregnancy. I know you're craving for Cheetos. Don't worry, if Levi is out and you're well, we can eat all the Cheetos you want. I love you Paree. Thank you for everything. 

Paree, thank you for taking the “kids” to the “bathroom”. Levi and Muriel are happy. Thank you for believing in my talents, for pushing me to be the best that I can be. I love you so much.

thank you for INSOtec!

For years, I receive texts like these. And he does, too.

thank you for my girls

So, today, with all our history as a basis, I’m going to do an inventory of my heart of things that I am thankful for. Although I may not say it often, I have realized that the tiniest things could ease my heart’s burden. Discovering these little things prepare my heart to be thankful for big ones along the way.

So here’s my inventory for now:

The Strength to Wake up and Get through Each Day—even if it’s painful, even if it’s not fun, even if it’s stressful. People may not know it but when you’re in grief, it takes a gazillion times heavier to get through each day. It is one of the hardest parts of grieving, to wake up and find no one beside you. The strength to go through that each day is something I should not credit to myself but to a higher intervention. Thank you to my angels and to my Lord Friend for that.

thanks for crazy bros and fam

The Love of Family- My family has grown closer ever since my losses. We have been close but right now, my very emotionally strong brothers are reaching out to me in ways that console my heart. My sister and I got closer, we used to fight like cats; I long to be in my mom’s embrace and taste my grandma’s cooking, I always listen to my dad’s words of wisdom. Their love is like a well of love and strength that when I seem to be in dire need of, I just get my refill—enough to last me through the day , enough for me to extend that to those who are in grief as well, like Lito’s family. 

Events— small or big, that bring moments of peace to my heart. Like going to the bookstore and just drown myself in books, having coffee with friends, sleepovers at friends’ houses, phone calls from people I didn’t expect to call me, attending church, watching the sunset/sunrise, driving, writing! Whatever touches my heart.

thanks for my pamangkins

Someone in need of my love and attention—these are the people who give me reason to live, that I have people to nurture yet, to share my experiences with, to plan for, to hug, to love. You know who you are. Thank you.

A job—Lito’s actually. Insotec has kept me busy, even if it’s not my line. It has opened new doors for me, it has allowed me to get to know people a bit better—some merely acquaintances before, now good friends.

My Writing—it consumes my time and keeps my mind busy.It helps me inspire people.

Pictures—Lito’s pictures, mostly. It makes him immortal through his works—the way he thinks, the way he feels is reflected in every shot. It keeps happy memories very much alive.

thanks for moments like this with bru and mona

People Reaching out—through emails, through texts, through calls, or just going to me at a random place and time and say that they have been touched with my story. I didn’t know that even in grief, I could be able to do that. 

Music/Stories/Books—or anything that soothes the soul. Sometimes, the lyrics and the plot hit me hard. It makes me feel that I was not the first one to feel this, it affirms the fact that someone survived long enough to do something good. It inspires me to do something more.

Lito’s Stuff—things we used to own together like our Jarvis, wedding ring, our stuffed toys, our bed, our furniture, the house we built.. They bring joy to my heart and opens my heart to a lot of memories. 

My council of best friends—Different people from different aspects of my life coming together for a sole purpose—to help me get through it all. Some have 1 best friend, I have 5. Lito made sure I am never in dire need of a friend during his demise.

thanks for my iSTORYA.NET fam

Prayers—are like personal conversations with our loved ones. They help in healing our bruised hearts. I always put Lito and Levi in charge of some things like, help me do this, help me do that. Sometimes, I feel crazy but I can still feel them on how they would respond had they been alive.

thank you for Cheap Rigs!

Time with our Loved Ones- I may be grieving of Levi and  Lito's loss but I once said in my eulogy that I am forever grateful to God for the time I have spent with them, for letting them be in my life while on earth, for letting me love them and for letting them love me during their time. My heart is not that cold not to appreciate those times. They pave way for great memories that would tide me by.  

thanks for extended family

Faith- especially for my parents who taught me that somehow, things will unravel at their own time, that we can be heroes in our own stories no matter how "victimized" we feel at the moment. It is always a matter of perspective, one step at a time. Things may be hard to understand but it doesn't mean we need to be angry with God or we question His will. There is always a reason for everything, cliche as that may sound, but there is. 

And finally

Time—time to mourn, time to grieve, time to grow, time to heal and time to give me back what I lost by having great memories and acquiring a higher sense of wisdom.

Thanks for providing me this Starbucks journal.
it was fun collecting the stickers. Many helped!

Thank you Lord Friend for keeping me sane, for keeping me alive, for keeping me strong. Thank you. And though my heart is grieving, it will not run out of things that will make me grateful.

So, you who's reading this: What are YOU thankful for? 

Appreciate the people surrounding you. Appreciate the little things. Because they may be little but those are the big things that will be your buoy in the toughest of storms.

Thanks Paree! I love you until eternity! Here's a smile for you, thanks for this new baby!The name is Chrissy!!

Song for the day in time for Thanskgiving: