Being a Psyc grad, I know the stages of grief-- starting with denial and ending with acceptance. However, knowing is different from being actually in it. In less than a year, I have lost two of the most important people in my life-- our son, Levi who died 18 days after he was born and eventually, you, some days ago. September 24, 2012.
Our forefathers in Psyc may not have foreseen this-- Simultaneous losses. If they have, I have not read it yet. It's that feeling that just when you thought you are about to accept a big loss, another big loss comes in. These are the worst kinds. And I have to admit Pree and I know that you know this-- I hate that my grief is being compared to that of petty separations such as breakups and rejections. Seriously, people? Their pain is nothing compared to mine. I dare that they try trading one hour with my life and they will realize that hollow pit that cannot be filled will make you want to go to the grave as well.
It's so funny pree.. Others have compared me to Job in the bible. Well, I am no biblical character and I am damn sure I am no saint. But whatever that Job guy did, his faith must have moved mountains -- literally. I wonder if my name will be in the Bible soon with all the things I have been through-- St. Ara. Yeech. Stop guffawing, Pree. I know, I know. It does not coincide with any biblical story. But I would like to believe that somehow you are creating a place for us there. Whatever it is.
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Okay so it has been a couple of days that I wake up at 2am and smell candles. You are so cliche. Really, Pree? Candles? I'd rather you visit me in my dreams Pree rather than weirding me out in your 2am smelling alarms. It freaks me out at the thought of you watching me sleep. You know that. So, just visit me in my dreams, alright?
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Mona said I slept like a boar last night-- snores and all. We just cleaned the room ala Cinderella-- on all fours and rugs. You will be pleased with the outcome of our room. It now faces the protractor-shaped window that you tease me that there are monsters lurking. I wasn't scared. Who are we kidding? Yeah, I was scared. So I just covered myself in blankets (Mona's comforter, thank you!). And well yeah, you let me sleep. Salamat. I needed that.
Alrighty. til then my wab. I will do this often. You know writing is my stress reliever. And you are the first one who reads my stuff. I am trying to write a book but it seems I can't as of this moment. I will try to go to "our place" and other favorite places, relax and start writing. I promise. I love you so much. Be with me. But not at 2AM pree ha. mwah.
I miss you. Here's a smile for you today, as promised.
That was taken while I was driving. I kid, i kid! That was taken prior to going out of the car after parking :D
PS. Hugs and kisses to Levi
Your equally crazy wab,
Arlyn
