Wednesday, October 31, 2012

My Son Just Turned 1

I can't believe it has only been a year.

I remember you were at our old rented house in Bayswater. You just finished your gym session and you were cooking camote (sweet potatoes). You were on a diet and of course, I was with you on your diet. I was upstairs. I felt like my whole body was made with rocks. My breathing was in short intervals, my hands were clammy. I asked my Mom and sister to come over because I was scared, I wasn't feeling well and Levi wasn't moving when I try to talk to him.

My mom and sister arrived and they tried to cheer me up. I remember you offering me camote and I got angry because you didn't understand the severity of the situation. Then you saw how pale I was and when I finally asked if I can be taken to the hospital, you were panicking. I remember you were trying to act calm but I know you and I can feel that you were scared, too. My vision got narrower, I was so silent on the way to the hospital and I was so sure I was about to die.

visited my son who just turned a year older today.
I love you and your dad so much. Have fun on your day!
I miss you both
In the emergency room, they took my BP and it escalated to 250/150. Within earshot, they told me that I was experiencing eclampsia and that I need to give birth. I got scared and I cried in the ER Room and I called out my Mom's name. Hospital staff told Lito, "Sir, mahal baya ang CS (Sir, CS operations are expensive). I remember you saying, "I don't care! Save my wife! Save my kid! I can pay!".

Everything was a blur after. I remember streaks of light. I remember looking for you in the operating room. I remember being so thirsty. The next thing I know, they told me I had given birth. I was so weak and all I wanted was to see my son but they wouldn't let me.

I saw you in my recovery room and you said, "Everything is fine. Our son is born. He is so handsome." I said, "Liwat nimo?" (Does he look like you?) And you said you weren't sure yet. You said everything will be fine. You said you love me so much. You said you can't bear to lose me. We had no idea that a year from that moment, I would be left alone here.

I first saw Levi and I knew right then and there that he looks like Lito despite the tubes. I saw his fingers, they were candle like just like his dad's. I got so addicted that I want to be with him every single day. He was so fragile and so small but he smiles through the tubes. Such a strong spirit for a little one. So like his dad's.

When Levi died, I just didn't deal with his passing, I also dealt with the everyday pangs of death and childbirth-- like having to pump breast milk but no one to give the milk to. Like having to fold his clothes and saying goodbye to our plans.

Lito and I were so brave to go through it all. He was calm, he always gave me jokes, and make me feel that everything's gonna be alright. Our challenges then were bearable. It wasn't easy. God, it was so hard. But he was there. He was there with me and I know deep in my heart that we can do it together.

If circumstances were better and the gods of fate were in my favor, I would have been celebrating my son's birthday with me today. Lito and I would have been so busy days ago planning for the perfect first birthday party, with matching father and son shirts. Levi would have been becoming more and more like the physical resemblance of his dad. 

But as fate would have had it, my little family is no longer with me. There will be no cakes to blow. I just imagine my son and his dad having a good time up there. I need to imagine, I need to believe that they are together. Else, I would go nuts. I need to celebrate life and not just dwell on the pains of losing.

I need to remember the times they were alive so that I will not blame God, I will not blame circumstances. I try to pray to God for strength that somehow, I may surpass this. All I ask is that when it's my turn, he'll let me be with my family. And we can celebrate birthdays, life and me surpassing all these pain. Someday. 

==
blue candles for my baby. Happy Birthday, son. :) 
This is a poem I saw on the internet. This is for you, baby. I miss you and happy Birthday.. Ayaw mo pagkiat sa imong daddy ha. Tell me in my dreams, son, how you spent your birthday with Lito. He was such an awesome Dad and I am happy that you are together now.


Please help those all around me, to see and understand
That even though my child’s in heaven
The memories of our time together, are always here to stay
You see today is special, after all it’s my child’s birthday

I hope my friends will understand and see how much I care
And better yet can lend an ear, and smile as I share.
I pray they never lose a child or ever know this pain.
I just want them to know, my child’s memories remain

Oh yes today is special, another birthday it should be…
And yes I wish my child was here, but it wasn’t meant to be
I hope the angels sing aloud; I hope my child can see
As we celebrate their life and all their memories…

Love for our child begins so early and never goes away
And I’m grateful for their time on earth, but sad they couldn’t stay
Of course it wasn’t long enough, but how wonderful it was
Their laugh, their smile, but most of all, the gifts they left behind

So I hope that those around, can see beyond my smile
And my Words that, "I'm okay."
And know that yes today is special,
And join along with me
As we celebrate – today – my child’s birthday

Happy Birthday in Heaven My Child…

==
My CS scar is so evident, me being keloidal.  It's ugly being it is not in the bikini line. It is evident. And yet I love it.
Nak, I tried to plan what to give you on your birthday. On what I can offer. I realized that there's no other gift I can offer except myself. And these scars. These scars are reminders that I was a mother, I was your mother and in a way, I still am. These also reminds me that I have survived and my gift to you on your birthday is that I will also try to surpass the pain. Help me nak ha. I need you and your Daddy's prayers. Guide me as I go through all the pain and survive. For you both, I will. 
==
Pree, I felt you yesterday. Thank you for the message. Thank you for that "talk". You know what I mean. 
I love you Pree. I miss you so much. By the way, what did you do for Levi's birthday? Did you surprise him? Visited you both today. I wished you were able to listen to what I said. Pree. Let me dream of how our son looks like now. I really wanna meet him. 
==
Cried to sleep last night. I miss you both. I love you both til eternity. Until we meet again. 
==

Song of the day. Angels Cry by Everlife. Thank you Rhoda for introducing this song to me. 





All the world is but a child screaming over all your words
No one hears your pain they're way to busy for concern (oh)
And the days become weeks and the months turn into years
You gotta know by now that only God sees all those tears (oh)
When you cry cause it hurts,it doesn't mean that you're not heard
Because aloud in heaven the Angels cry with you (oh)
When you shout about the way you feel 1000 lies that don't reveal
The true begging of the end you can make a line from here to Mars
of those with broken dreams and scars there will never be a fix outside a savior
When you cry cause it hurts, doesn't mean that you're not heard
Because aloud in heaven the Angels cry with you (yeah oh)
You can say they haven't known of hate or desire to retaliate
there must be someone, someone we can blame
but it's hard to put the anger down
And hear from god not a sound
and find a place to heal the unforgiving
When you break and you yell and there's no one left to tell
you have the tears of heaven and his grace will come to you (come to you)
When you cry cause it hurts dosn't mean that your not heard
Because aloud in heaven the Angels cry with you (oh)