I turned 31 last October 12.
It was the saddest birthday of my life.
Although I appreciate very much the effort of friends and
family, the longing ache in my heart makes me wonder how I can celebrate life
when I am still mourning over your passing…
31.
Most people my age are clamoring to get married, thinking
they may have passed the marrying age. Some just got engaged, or just got
pregnant. Some have just started their lives together with the ones they love.
I have never imagined that at 31, I would be burying my husband.
Life is not fair. At least, for someone like me, it really isn't fair. It makes me
question my humanity. It makes me question if I ever did something bad. It
makes me senseless. It makes me indifferent. It makes me numb and so sensitive and bitter at times.
Life is unfair. When people vow to love each other all the
days of their lives, most couples spend years and years together. And when they
die of a ripe old age, death is easier to accept.
Three years Paree is just too young in marriage life to have all the things we went through.
31 is too young for me to go through everything I went through.
Three years Paree is just too young in marriage life to have all the things we went through.
31 is too young for me to go through everything I went through.
True, people can’t wait for me to bounce back. Some may have
moved on. After all, for them, a month of grieving is enough. But then again,
who is Lito to them? Lito’s a friend, a supplier, an acquaintance, etc. But for
us, for me whose life revolves around him, when everyone else has moved on, I
don’t think I’ll get over the fact that you have been taken away from me.
I am living the life that anyone can cringe just imagining—“I
can’t imagine living my life without you…”People say this not knowing how it
actually feels without that person who makes life worth living, who was the
source of your everyday inspiration. Basically, all the clichés come true as
well--- I feel like I died when you died, Life is meaningless, Life is unfair.
==
Damn it, just when I thought I was a wee bit okay, someone
would chat me through your business chat group: “Ma’am, nasan po ba si Sir
Lito?” (Where is Sir Lito?)
And I crumble deep inside as I recount again what happened
to you. And just when the wounds are trying to make an effort to scar down,
it’s torn open again with a fresh batch of pain.
When will this stop?
==
Bought a dress! Yes. A dress. I’ll wear it on your 40th. I smiled with that thought. I hope that could
suffice for now.
==
I miss you so much. I’ll tell the rest when I visit your
grave.
==
If at times I look like I am forlorn with a faraway gaze in
my eyes, I am not in a trance, okay? I am thinking about you. I am always
thinking about you. I try not to but I just can’t.
==
Pree, give me the avenue, give me the chance and opportunity
to unwind, think and be creative. I wanna start on my book. I might go out in a
few days on my own and just write. Can I? Give me a sign that it’s okay… And
while we are talking about favors, can you please hug me before I go to sleep? Can
you hold my hand too? Can you let me feel that you’re there? I know you might
think I am a scaredy-cat but with you, I’m not. I love you. Please show me you’re
there.
==
Even if I live to be a hundred and two, I just don’t think
that I’ll get over you (Colin Hay, see song of the day below). Love like ours comes once in a lifetime.
Once. We were best friends, we were lovers, we were perfect for each other. How
do you move on from something as great as that? How do you let go? I hope
people won’t let me hurry up. I hope people won’t judge me if I wallow.. Hmmm..
but then again, you know me. Even if they do judge--- I won’t give a damn. God,
I miss you so much. I miss just talking to you and you pretending to listen even when you want to play Diablo. I miss playing Diablo with you. I miss you.
==
Here’s my song for you today. I’ll try to watch the movie
that goes along with it.
