Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Thirty

Hi Crazy Paree, 

You have always said that times go by so fast. How come I feel like everything is in slow motion and fast at the same time? 

It has been a month since you left. A month. Thirty days. or Thirty One. This is longer than the last time you left me here in Cebu when you went to the US and Canada all by yourself. It was lonely but at least I knew you were coming back. That's what hurts most, you know. The idea of you never coming back-- to never feel you in my arms again, to never hear you laugh or look at me or tease me or cuddle or hear your voice. It's what kills me every day. And I feel crazy that a gentle wind feels like you touching me or a faraway laughter sounds like yours. How long will this last? They say it's a process. I know it's a process. I didn't know it would be this excruciatingly painful. 

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Pree, you are always on my mind, you are in every little thing I do-- like when I open that broken door in our comfort room, I would remember how it got broken. When I touch your shampoo, I would think that you were the last one who got hold of this.. When I browse through your phone, I laugh and cry at  each message that you sent. When I'm busy, I marvel at the thought that you did all of these by yourself. When I eat breakfast alone, I would imagine you buzzing me in work and chat, "Paree, bweakfash?" When I hear one of our songs, it grips my heart. So many times, so many memories. Sometimes a certain thought crosses my mind--like I pray God would take me as well so I could be where you are. No, I'm not suicidal Paree and I am sure you are crossing your arms again in protest to what I said. I just miss you and I cannot think of anything else for us to be together. 

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Yesterday, I had 38.7 fever (highest), body malaise, cough and colds. I took the thermometer and when I turned it on, your latest body temp reflected yours when you were sick at 41.8. It broke my heart into pieces. I remember how I sponged bath you til I had no sleep, hopelessly hoping it could save you. I remember IV Paracetamols that are given yet there was no improvement. Oh God, I miss you. 
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I miss you so much. I remember how you used to cook me breakfast then bring it to the room, set your phone to alarm intervals in consonance to when I am due to drink my medicines, the way you are ready with your BP apparatus and the way you are constantly on the prowl with my diet. I miss you having to massage me and checking my temperature, never leaving my side until I am okay. Paree.. I miss you so much.... 


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In my dysmenorrhea state, I would always complain of back pains and menstrual cramps. I remember me on the bed moaning with pain and  you would say with sarcasm, "Oh, so you're the one who's sick now??" And you would take care of me anyway.. :) 

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Mona is constantly asking me to drink water and to hydrate. Elmer texts me every time I'm due to drink my medicines. My mommy has been asking me to take my medicines and to eat fruits. Norman has constantly asked what I want, Somehow, you have sent these people to take care of me in your absence. Thank you. 

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Visited you today. It's raining again. i hope you were able to listen to what I said. Help me, pree.. I love you. 

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FB Status for the day: 
Today has been a month since you left. The world just isn't the same. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of you. Every morning, I wake up with that feeling of dread inside me that I cannot see you again, or feel you, or listen to you, or cuddle with you. Nothing is the same Pree, nothing will ever be.. I try to avoid dealing with any of the feelings I have and I know that's wrong, but I need to in order to help others deal with the loss. I can't risk losing my grip. I try to find things within me that bring you back to me, things I believe in because you taught me to. Or doing something and realizing Im doing it exactly the way you did..that makes me feel like you are here. The one thing I am grateful for, besides the fact that I got you for husband and a best friend..is that I was with you when you left this world and we loved each other til the end.. I love you Paree, FOREVER till the day I stop breathing, the love never ends... until eternity.

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Song for the day and a smile from me: :)