What has become of me?

Paree,

What has become of me?

Suddenly familiar public places seem to engulf me. Like when I went to Parklane Hotel (my last employer) last night, I feel like everyone and everything is in slow motion and all memories with you there came flooding back.

There was that corner where you, me and Ervin had that photo shoot for a certain product. We ate F.I.C. ice cream with biko just for the heck of it. You were saying you didn't want to add up to the calorie count as you were dieting but you went ahead and ate with us because it was weirdly good.

There was that old office of mine where you used to hang out and just patiently wait while I finish my work. It was also there that you gave me surprise flowers just because.

There was that function room where you had your workshop and you said, "Pree, did I do a good job?" And I said, "You are always good in what you do and I am  your number one fan. I am proud of you".

There was that restaurant where we had our tummies filled up to the point of gluttony. All the chefs and waiters know you by name. You would always give them a smile, a minute to chitchat, compliment the food. Chef Armand, the Executive Chef, also lost his wife prior you. I saw him and we just shared a few words but then we knew that no words are enough to make things better. He misses you, too. You and him had that special bond.

There was the Bridal Suite where we had our Valentines and we just filled the tub with so many bubbles. And we just played and played and laughed and talked.

I walked out of the event, Pree. I never did that in my life. But I just felt like I cannot breathe anymore with all the memories.

==
What has become of me?

I don't want to go out, I don't want to meet old friends or new ones for fear that when they ask me how I was, I don't even know how to answer. I don't know how I am. I am so confused and lost.

I don't want those sympathetic look and glares, those comforting pats on the back, those encouraging words, the biblical quotes, the cliche stuff like-- Life must go on; Be strong; One day at a time; Time heals. People should know that I am a Psychology graduate and I was a facilitator. I know how the drill goes. I know what it takes. But as I said, knowing is so much different than actually experiencing it.

I told a few friends of ours that I needed time alone. Alone to just cry and grieve and watch our old videos. Right now, I can't even dare watch our babies' videos. It pains me so much that I can't finish one video. I haven't had the chance to do things on my own since you died. Maybe one of these days, I'll just pack my bags and not tell anyone where I would go so I can just grieve.

But nah. You know me. I can't just do that. Or should I? I don't know yet. I really don't know.

What I'm trying to say is. Whatever anyone thinks I'm going through right now is far off from what I'm actually experiencing Pree. I may smile, I may laugh but my heart is hollow and empty. Like a tin can echoing after trying to put on some coins. Like a deep well with no water.

I don't need people to tell me what to do, Pree. I just need people to listen. And share your memories with me. And just let me be. I'll bounce back. But in my own time.. In my own pace. In my own space.

==
What has become of me?

SnR Shopping was such grip in the heart. Grocery shopping was your thing, you would say. You said, the grocery is not my area. It's yours. When I would do grocery, I would always call you-- Pree, what should I buy? Do we have this? Do you like this? Can I buy this? 
I was tempted to buy your cereals or call your phone in the hopes that you might answer. Instead, I went into a crowd-less corner and cried. I remember when Levi died, we cried here too when we saw that basketball ring we wanted to buy for him. Now I am crying alone. And it's crazy. People kept on looking at that girl who was sobbing at the corner. Oh, how I wish you're here.

==
What has become of me?

I remember we quarreled that one time because I hid your shirts with holes in them. You said they were your favorite shirts. I said, fine-- just don't go into the office wearing them! And you said, "Ana man jud na mga shirt sa mga pobre!" And I would just shut up, knowing that when I make a retort, the debate would be endless.

Anyway, went to the office today and Mona came over and poked through my shirt. Literally poked through it. And it happened. I went to the office with a shirt that has a big hole at its side. Darn. I am becoming you.

==
What has become of me?

I don't know. All I know Pree is that nothing is ever the same without you. Whether for better or for worse, I know I have changed. For I am not the same without you. A big part of me has died with you..

I know they say it's best to just let go and be happy that you are in a better place. But I can't. I just can't be happy right now. If you were in my place Pree, would you be moving on right now? I don't think so.

I would like to wallow in my grief for a while. Honor the pain, Mike would say. Maybe by going through that, I would discover what has become of me. And make the most out of the "me" that has remained after you have gone.

As I promised, I will make you proud of me. For now, I just need to grieve.
==

By the way, I just bought Mrs. Fields cookies at SnR. That made me smile. I dedicate that to you.

==

I love you until eternity. I miss you so much.

Your crazy wab

==

Song of the Day:

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

[Chorus:]
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way