Stuck-up

Dear Crazy Paree,

My mind is bogging me. Although you are in my mind 24/7, my vivid thoughts of you are those of your last few days in the hospital, when you were in Intensive Care, when you were telling me that you want to go back to your room in 10B, where the nurses are familiar and friendlier. These thoughts are haunting me, it's like a record player stuck in that certain snippet. These thoughts make me feel like I could have done something more at that time but wasn't able to.

Here are the stuck-up memories:

Situation: Water. You were instructed not to eat anything or drink anything because your respiratory rate has gone so fast, your intake might go directly to your lungs. Your mouth was so dry and you were begging me to have a sip of water.

 You: Pree, please give me water. Please, I beg you.
Me: No pree, I can't give you water. It would be harmful for you.
You: NO! These doctors and nurses are trying to kill me. Please. Just give me water and don't tell them.

Me: No, they are not. They are trying to help you. We are trying to help you.

You: Pree, I am so tired. I have been putting so much effort and yet you can't give me a sip of water? You are so unfair.

Me: Pree, this is so hard for me. I want to give you all the things you need but I can't just give them to you because it might harm you. Are you mad at me?

You: Silent.

Me: I love you. Please don't be mad. Please..

You: I love you. I'm disappointed. But I still need water.

===

Situation 2: THE RESPIRATOR MADNESS. You did not want the respirator to be placed on your face because you feel suffocated. Note that at this time your respiratory rate has gone to 80per minute. You were catching your breath while still trying to sleep. All doctors, nurses and I are trying to convince you to put on the mask to avoid respiratory arrest.

You: I don't want the mask. I don't care what you are saying.

Me: Pree, I have been explaining that if you don't put on the mask, they will intubate you because sooner or later your lungs will collapse if you won't listen to me!

You: No, they won't.

Me: Yey, they will!

You: Okay I will put on the mask for 3minutes only-- practice. Then they take it off then let me rest and put on another 3minutes.

Me: Okay that sounds fair enough (but doctors did not agree with me)

You: Okay put it on. (After putting it on..you motioned for your phone)

Me: You want me to take a picture? (You nodded and asked for the phone then texted something.

I read what you texted and it said -- "BANE". You were Bane and you were so brave! The picture that I took is this one.

My Bane. the last pic i took of you

After a minute, you were suffocating and begged for the mask to be taken away from you. You said you felt like you were drowning and that you were about to die. We fought so hard that I even placed Tatay Ramon and Papa and Mama on the phone just to convince you. You were tired when you motioned one of the nurses and said:

You: That's my wife. But she's also my best friend. She is the love of my life since high school. If you feel that we are fighting, yes we are. But best friends fight, you know. And they always find a way to be all right. Right, pree?

I blinked my tears and nodded. And he motioned your lips for a kiss. With my mask on, I kissed your dry lips.

====

Situation 3:  Fart.

Me: Pree, I feel like farting. hahaha..

You: Go ahead, fart.. I miss farting, you know.

Me: And I miss you farting.

====

Situation 4: Siomai. The dietary team just sent in food and since you are not allowed to have food, I hid it somewhere that can't be seen right away, together with my uneaten siomai from breakfast. But you were able to see it.

You (eyes bulging like a little kid): Whoah, food!!!

Me: No, it's not food pree.

You: Yes, it is Paree. I won't eat it. Just let me see it.

Me: Oh-kay.

After opening:

You: Whoah!!! SIOMAI!!!! Is that Ibo Mena's Siomai? ( Ibo Mena is Lito's Aunt who makes Lito's favorite siomai). Please give me one. Please please.

Me: No it's not Ibo Mena's siomai and it sucks. It does not taste good.

You: I miss Ibo Mena's siomai. I miss eating.

===

Situation 5. Restraints. You were not in this situation. The docs and I are talking outside. There was no other way because you refused the respirator after hours and hours of convincing you. They told me that it might be detrimental if they can't put it in you and the last resort was to tie you up so you can be restrained.

Docs: There's no other way. Unless you want to see him intubated.

Me: So, you are going to strap him so he can't move?

Docs: yes. there's no other way.

I closed my eyes and imagined my active Lito not being able to move, being forced to be in the bed. But I can't imagine him suffering more. It was one of the hardest and most painful decisions in my life and I am not proud of it, Pree.

Me: Okay. Restrain him. But I can't watch. I just can't.

Doc: you just decided the right thing.

Me: I don't know anymore what's right or wrong, Doc.

====

Pree, I am writing this with a heavy heart and I want to cry. The last few days in the hospital were so hard for me and I had to do everything else. You did not want me to be out of your sight and yet I have to attend to the blood donors, and the other errands.

I know that you don't want me to blame myself or to feel sorry. But I hated myself for not being able to do everything.. Had I known that you would have died anyway, I could have given you that bottle of water, or that siomai, or I never would have restrained you or left you alone.

I hated myself for being so positive all along that when all my hopes of us having more years together crumbled, I feel like I have fooled myself, I have fooled you. But looking back, I was also happy that during your battle, we stayed positive, we were hopeful, and we were together.

Pree, please help me let go of these nagging thoughts. But first, I would like to say I am sorry, so sorry for not doing all those things. I am not perfect but I really tried. I know you are sighing right now and saying that I couldn't have done anything anyway. Things happen for a reason.

But sometimes, when you are in grief, you tend to bargain. You tend to ask and doubt yourself. You tend to ask God why. I also hate it that people will tell me what to feel, how to feel or what to think. Moreover, I hate it when people demand me to move on. I am not ready. I am stuck up. I can't stop it and I am not perfect. I just pray that somehow I'll get over this. I pray that somehow I can feel that you are not disappointed with me. 

'Til here coz my heart is so heavy I cannot write anymore. I love you and I miss you. ALways. Til eternity. 

Here's a sad smile but a smile nonetheless for the day. :)